Šie 6 ieradumi pārveidos jūsu attiecības ar jūsu pieaugušajiem bērniem

Being a parent to an adult child is definitely different from raising a toddler, a school-age child, or even a teenager. What they needed from you five, 10, or 20 years ago is not what they need today.

If your connection with your adult child isn’t where you want it to be, don’t despair. We asked therapists who work with family issues to share the most important things parents can do to build happier, healthier relationships with their adult children.

Here’s what we found out.

When your adult child comes to you with a question about their career, their relationship, or their own children, it’s easy to assume they’re looking for your trusted input on the matter. But keep in mind that they may just be looking for a sympathetic ear.

The best way to find out what they need is to ask, “Are you looking for advice, or do you want to get out?” said Dallas marriage and family therapist Sarah Epstein in the Area.

Adult children “may not want consistent feedback on their choices,” Epstein told HuffPost. “If parents can accept advice only after it’s asked for and learn the skills of thoughtful listening, their relationships will almost certainly be strengthened.”

Winifred Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California, said it’s important to “stay in your lane” as a parent of an adult child.

“There was a time when we could take our kids under one arm and lead them off the playground. It was our responsibility to call all the shots,” Reilly, who is also the author of “ It Takes One to Tango ,” told HuffPost. “When they’re adults, we literally and figuratively have to have more hands.”

That doesn’t mean you no longer have an important role in their lives. It just means your role has shifted to “more of a trusted advisor,” Reilly said.

“Instead of, ‘Here’s what I think you should do,’ a better and more respectful move is, ‘Would you like to hear my thoughts on that?’” Reilly said.

“When we’re invited, we can say what we think and ask what they think. When we’re not invited, it’s a good idea to not hesitate,” he said. The overall message should be one of love and respect, even if we don’t completely agree with their decisions.”

On a related note, West Los Angeles clinical psychologist David Narang said that one of the keys to building strong relationships with your adult children is to think of yourself as a “strong-sounding adult” rather than a “rescuer of a helpless child.”

In other words, you should operate on the assumption that your child is capable of handling the difficult situation, he said.

A common mistake among parents of adult children is getting “too caught up” in the struggles their child is facing, Narang said. Maybe you’re a parent who’s hell-bent on getting your child to follow your advice. Or maybe you’re working so hard on the situation that it’s making your already stressful situation even more overwhelming, he said.

At this stage in life, your value as a parent lies in “your ability to endure the suffering your child is trying to endure,” Narang added.

Viņa padoms? Ļaujiet savam bērnam “izspiest viņu ciešanas” un turpināt sarunu koncentrēties uz viņiem. Pēc tam palīdziet viņiem nonākt pie saviem risinājumiem.

“Kā vecāks jūsu izpratne par bērna ciešanām ir unikāla spēks, lai palīdzētu viņam vai viņai justies atbalstītam,” sacīja Narangs. “Tāpat jūsu izpratne par bērna iekšējo spēku ir unikāla ietekme, lai palīdzētu jūsu bērnam redzēt šo spēku sevī, it īpaši ņemot vērā jūsu atmiņu par visām reizēm, kad esat pieredzējis šo spēku.”

Šīs pieejas izmantošana palīdzēs tuvināt jūs un jūsu bērnu “tāpēc, ka viņi izjutīs jūsu atbalstu, vienlaikus piedzīvojot sevi kā kompetentu pieaugušo”, viņš sacīja.

Vainojot sevi vai savu bērnu, jo jūsu attiecībās esošās plaisas nepadarīs lietas labāk starp jums abiem.

Tā vietā, lai norādītu uz pirkstiem, “pārvērtiet vainu atbildībā darīt labāk nākotnē”, licencēts garīgās veselības konsultants Tracy Vadakumcherypazīstams arī kā Sliktais Indijas terapeitsstāstīja HuffPost.

“Jūsu bērns zina, ka jūs darījāt visu iespējamo,” sacīja Vadakumchery. “Viņi izvirza savas problēmas ar jums, nenozīmē, ka viņi domā, ka esat slikts vecāks.”

“Ja jūsu vēlme ir vainot kādu kā daļu no jūsu problēmu risināšanas, ir svarīgi to atzīt par aizsardzības mehānismu vainas sajūtai,” viņa sacīja. “Ko darīt, ja nav neviena vainīga? Vainošana ir apkaunošana un neko nedara.”

Tas ir produktīvāk Koncentrējieties uz savas saites remontu: Atvainojieties par visiem jūsu nodarītajiem ievainojumiem, un dodiet solījumu darīt lietas savādāk, virzoties uz priekšu.

Un, ja jūs jau nestrādājat ar terapeitu, atrodot garīgās veselības speciālistu, jūs varat sarunāties ar “iespējams, nebūt slikta ideja”. Teica Vadakumchery.

Jūs varētu pieņemt, ka neviena ziņa nav labas ziņas kā pieauguša kazlēna vecākam. Ja jūsu pieaugušais bērns pēdējā laikā nav izvirzījis nevienu problēmu, jūs domājat, ka starp jums ir jābūt labi. Vai varbūt jūs jūtat, ka attiecības nav labas, bet jūs neesat pārliecināts, kur viss nogāja greizi.

Jebkurā gadījumā attiecību reģistrēšanās veikšana-kur jums ir “liela attēla saruna par attiecību veselību”-ir lielisks solis, lai spertu, sacīja Epšteins.

“Ierakstīšanās var ietvert tādus jautājumus kā:” Kā jums šķiet mūsu attiecības? ” “Vai jums patīk mūsu sarunas?” “Kas jums patīk visvairāk vai vismazāk?” “Vai jūs jūtaties atbalstīts?” “Viņa sacīja.

Reģistrēšanās uzsākšana parāda, ka esat gatavs dzirdēt atgriezenisko saiti un potenciāli sarežģītas sarunas, un ka jūs esat gatavs veikt izmaiņas uzvedībā, lai uzlabotu savienojumu.

“In some families, parents dictate how their relationships with adult children should be pursued and fulfilled with a sense of obligation. They spell out expectations for their child without ever asking the child what they want from the relationship,” Epstein wrote in a recent Psychology Today blog post.

“Such an audit instead indicates a willingness to get to know your adult child’s needs in the relationship and commit to a connection that works for both of you.”

If you’re having a more difficult relationship with your adult kid and they finally open up to you about something, “know that it took them a lot to feel comfortable enough to do it,” Vadakumchery said.

“How you react will either confirm or deny their belief: ‘That’s why I’m not telling you anything,’” she said.

This means avoiding phrases that dismiss or minimize their experience, such as “it didn’t happen,” “don’t feel that way,” or “I’m sorry you feel this way,” Vadakumchery said.

“While it’s true that memory can be unreliable, even if you’re right, telling your child that what they experienced will not only make them feel unheard or unseen, but you’re also training them not to trust their intuition and not to come to you about things,” she said. “Listen first before responding.”

And remember, most arguments between two people who care about each other are usually more about the underlying feelings than they are about the topic, Vadakumchery noted.

“Instead of focusing on the details, focus on their emotions,” she said. “If you don’t know what to say, sometimes the best response is to just be there. You don’t necessarily have to say anything. Just show that you’re listening.”

Adult children can set boundaries with their parents around certain topics of conversation, like their appearance, finances or career choices in the area. Or boundaries can be physical, like, “Please call before stopping by the house,” Epstein said.

Instead of getting upset about these requests, “ Parents can listen and honor these boundaries and even express appreciation to their child for standing up for what they need to make the relationship work,” she said.

It can help to remember that the purpose of boundaries is to help people communicate in better, healthier ways . So your child establishing some guidelines isn’t an effort to push you away—it’s a way to create more honesty and trust in the relationship, which will hopefully bring you closer together.