6 Parastās frāzes, kuras jūs, iespējams, neapzinātos, ir līdzjūtīgas

While we may try to be kind and compassionate in our interactions with people, sometimes we need to be brief. And one way we do that in conversation? When we’re making decisions or speaking to the other person.

We are committed when we talk to someone who implies our own superiority, said journalist Celeste Headlee, author of We Need to Talk: How to Have Important Conversations.

“It’s usually associated with some kind of overwhelming tone, but empathy is almost always associated with passive-aggressive behavior as well,” Headleee t Old told Huffpost.

“In other words, when you’re committed to someone as ‘bless your heart,’ you put on a false persona of kindness, but underneath it is a clear message of superiority. You treat them in a way that shows they are inferior.”

The main purpose of talking to others will likely involve trying to elevate our own social status, Headlee suggested.

“Our survival is always dependent on our rank, our status, within society,” she said. “We need to be in a safe place within society, because it’s through belonging – it’s through community – that people survive.”

Every conversation we have involves “impression management” in one way or another, she explained, “meaning we are constantly managing the impression we make on others.”

“So people commit because it’s a way – whether it’s conscious or not – that we can establish our rank above another person,” she said.

According to Southern California psychotherapist Elizabeth Crane , speaking to others in a compassionate way can often “trace back to underlying insecurities or inflated egos,” although she acknowledges that this also happens when a person is just having a bad day and doesn’t know how to bounce back.

We all slip up from time to time, but usually we want to avoid communicating in a condescending way because it is insulting and demeaning to the other person.

“Nobody likes to be pitied. Nobody likes to be told, ‘You are inferior to me,’ or ‘I am superior to you,’ which is essentially the underlying message of pitied,” Headlee said.

And secondly, it’s simply not an effective way to get our point across.

“The person on the receiving end is left with a range of feelings about the way the information is presented, rather than the information itself,” Crane said. “That in itself is a reason why people should avoid communicating in a compassionate manner. They will lose their messaging and lose the effectiveness of what they are trying to get across to others.”

Attraction can show up not only in what we say, but also in the tone of voice we use, as well as nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language. Like the way someone nods their head when addressing someone.

Here are some commonly used compassionate phrases that we probably say without realizing their impact. (And keep in mind that what’s compassionate to one person may not be to another. It’s not a one-size-fits-all thing, Headlee pointed out.)

Other variations, including “that’s sweet” or the Southern “bless your heart,” can also come across as condescending. If you’re genuinely trying to convey that something is nice or lovely, that’s fine. But be mindful when you use a tone of superiority, Crane said.

““ Tas ir jauki ”var atnākt kā satraucoši,” viņa paskaidroja. “Tas nav arī piemērots vai noderīgs, lai apzīmētu tādas lietas kā kāda cilvēka izpratne par kaut ko vai centieniem mēģināt kaut ko darīt kā” jauku “.

Headlee piedāvāja vēl vienu piemēru: sakiet, ka draugs jums stāsta par savu draugu, bet jums tas ļoti nepatīk. Jūsu draugs dalās stāstā, un jūs atbildat ar “Ak, tas ir tik mīļi” patronizējošā veidā.

“Ja jūs būtu šajā situācijā, ja jūs stāstītu draugam par viņu jauno draugu, ko jūs vēlētos dzirdēt no šī drauga?” Viņa teica.

“Pat ja viņi viņiem nepatika, jūs, iespējams, vēlaties dzirdēt kaut ko līdzīgu:” Es esmu tik priecīgs. Izklausās, ka jūs atradāt kādu, kas jums patiešām patīk, un tas mani patiesi priecē. Es gribu, lai jūs būtu laimīgs. “”

Savrupmāja ir viens no biežākajiem līdzjūtības piemēriem, sacīja Headlee.

Tas ir “kad jūs kaut ko paskaidrojat kādam, ka viņi vai nu jau ir eksperti, vai arī tas, kas patiesībā nav jāpaskaidro, ka viņi skaidri zina,” viņa sacīja. “Jūs bieži izmantojat patiešām vienkāršotu valodu.”

Izrakstīšana var atšķirties, pamatojoties uz situāciju, bet vīrietis, kurš iesaistās sarunā ar sievieti, lai pateiktu “labi, patiesībā” un turpināt lekciju viņai par kaut ko acīmredzamu vai kaut ko citu Viņa jau daudz zina daudz ir klasisks piemērs.

Protams, ja kāds uzdod jums tiešu jautājumu vai saka, ka viņi nezina terminu vai atpazīst jēdzienu, dodieties uz priekšu un īsi aizpildiet.

Atkal tonis, kas aiz vārdiem šeit ir patiešām svarīgs.

“Reizēm tas var būt īsts mierinājums, taču tas var būt arī aizbildinošs, it īpaši, ja tonis neatbilst noskaņojumam,” rakstnieks Fēbe Mertensa Piezīmes vietnē Bolne.com. “Var izklausīties, ka viņi ir izvirzījuši zemas cerības un ir pārsteigti, ka personai izdevās tikties pat ar tām.”

Padomājiet par to šādā veidā, Headlee sacīja: Ja jūs atvērtu draugam par to, kā jūs meklējāt darbu un meklēšana ir bijusi patiešām grūta, kā jūs justos, ja viņi atbildētu: “Nu, izklausās, ka jūs mēģināt visu iespējamo.”

“Ko jūs vēlētos dzirdēt šajā situācijā? Jūs, iespējams, vēlaties dzirdēt kaut ko līdzīgu:“ Dievs, kas izklausās grūts. Ir tik rupji meklēt darbu un nespēt to atrast. Jums ir jāuztraucas. Vai es kaut ko varētu darīt, lai palīdzētu? ”” Viņa sacīja. “Vienmēr tas ir tikai izdomāt, ko jūs vēlētos dzirdēt situācijā.”

Sniedzot kādam galīgus padomus, kā dzīvot savu dzīvi, noteikti ir veids, kā atnākt kā līdzjūtību.

“Piemēram, sakot:” Jums tas tiešām jādara; tas padarītu jūsu dzīvi tik daudz labāku “vai” jums tas jādara; jums tas jādara “,” sacīja Kreins.

Saying things this way “implies that the person’s current way is wrong” and that you know better, Crane said.

Even a little bit of an adaptive approach can help. Consider something like, “ ‘I think it might be helpful for you to do this,’” rather than “you have to do this” or “you should.” Maybe try using “maybe,” Crane said.

“Anything that suggests a definitive way of doing things can be perceived as sympathetic because it puts pressure on the message.” Perhaps “softens that pressure,” she added.

This type of response is both minimal and invalidating, Oregon psychologist Scott Rower told HuffPost. It means that just because you don’t think it’s important, the other person shouldn’t either, dismissing their experiences and feelings on the matter.

“Whether you, as the speaker, think their feelings are out of proportion to the situation doesn’t change that the person is feeling those feelings,” Rowers said.

Are Feelings Not Chosen? The best way to keep those feelings active, and someone stuck in them, is to shame them for feeling them. Like the old phrase goes, “What we resist, persists.”

Or it could be written out, like “you wouldn’t get it” or “you don’t get it, do you?”

“These phrases imply that the person on the receiving end is not smart enough to figure something out or understand an experience that is not their own,” said Krain.

And one final thought: assertiveness isn’t something that only inconspicuous people do. We all make these kinds of mistakes when we talk to others, Headlee said.

“Conversation is one of the most complex and difficult tasks any of us engage in. When you are in a real conversation with another person, meaning you are really listening to them and you are engaging, it requires a tremendous amount of cognitive power,” she explained.

“You’re going to say the wrong thing, or someone is going to misinterpret your tone, so be prepared for that,” she continued. “Be prepared to correct it and see it as just an opportunity for growth between the two of you.”