Since so much of what we see online focuses on appearance, it’s no surprise that some tweens and teens are struggling with low self-esteem in the area.
Previous Dove research has found that as many as 61% of 10- to 17-year-old girls in the UK struggle with low self-esteem. And it’s not just young girls – the rise of so-called “Lookmaxxing” (which is all about maximising your looks to make you more attractive) is revealing that it’s also affecting young boys.
One mom admitted her teenage daughter, who is 16, thinks she is “ugly” – and she’s not sure how to help her.
“She points out specific features she doesn’t like about herself (wide-set eyes, high forehead, small lips, face shape, eyebrows),” wrote a parent on Reddit’s R/parents forum.
“Objectively speaking, she’s still quite amazing and pretty, and several people have said so.”
The parent said that when her daughter was in middle school, there was a group of boys who “voted” her for the ugliest girl in their class. Not only that, but another girl in her class had described her as “unattractive,” and she had heard it.
“It’s really hit her self-esteem pretty hard, and it’s affecting her deeply,” the distraught mom said. “My previously outgoing and happy child is now withdrawn and depressed.”
The teenager has started therapy, and her parent said she often reminds her that “everyone is unique and beautiful in their own way.” She also points to complimenting her daughter “when she puts together a nice outfit or tries a new hairstyle” and praising her other talents as well.
But she wanted to know if there was any other way she could help her 16-year-old navigate this period. “I feel at a loss and I’m so sad for him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!” she added.
How to react when a child says they are “ugly”
“I think when a child repeatedly says they’re ugly, it usually means something deeper is hurting…comparison, rejection, identity issues, or feeling unseen,” Anna Mathur, a psychotherapist and author of Anna Mathur’s An Inconvenient Truth , told HuffPost UK.
The expert suggested that parents can respond in a way that both soothes immediate pain and builds long-term self-worth.
“Belonging and self-worth are not built into mirrors or popularity contests. They grow in the quietest spaces—doing something well, being kind, being seen and supported by someone who cares deeply,” she said.
“When children feel safe enough to express their insecurities and know that they are visible beyond them, they begin to change the story in their head.”
Building long-term self-worth
Whether your child has said they think they are ugly or not, it can help to regularly reflect on their strengths and qualities in everyday life – especially those that are unrelated to appearance.
Mathur suggests parents say something like, “I love how you are” or “You are brave, how you try new things.” She advises avoiding over-designing physical appearance, as it “can backfire if they don’t feel it inside.”
“Atskaitot spiedienu, labāk ir slavēt pūles, laipnību, raksturu,” viņa sacīja. “Esiet konsekventi mīlošs un beznosacījuma. Atgādiniet viņiem bieži (ne tikai tad, kad notiek kaut kas labs), ka viņi ir mīlēti tāpēc, kas viņi ir, nevis to, kā viņi izskatās vai ko viņi dara.”
Vēl viena “spēcīga” stratēģija ir modelēt sevi par sevi. “Ja viņi dzird jūs bargi runājam par savu izskatu vai citiem, viņi iemācās šo balsi,” sacīja Mathurs. “Ja jūs izturaties pret sevi maigāk, jūs dodat viņiem atļauju rīkoties tāpat.”
Varētu būt arī noderīgi ierobežot kaitīgu salīdzināšanas izraisītāju iedarbību. “Sociālie mediji, noteiktas vienaudžu grupas, žurnāli utt., Var pastiprināt pārliecību, ka viņiem ir jāizskatās noteiktā veidā,” sacīja terapeits. “Veiciet diskusijas par to, ko viņi redz, kādi ziņojumi tiek virzīti, cik reāli ir šie attēli.”
Nelietojiet viņu jūtas
Ir kaut kas īpaši postošs, dzirdot jūsu bērnu, sakot, ka viņi ir neglīti, un redzot, ka viņi tam patiešām tic.
Lai gan jūsu pirmā reakcija varētu būt pateikt “nē, tu neesi” vai “neesi dumjš!”, Eksperti iesaka apstiprināt sajūtu, nevis mēģināt to salabot vai atlaist. Jūs varētu pateikt kaut ko līdzīgu: “Es tevi dzirdu. Tas izklausās patiešām smagi.”
Mathur arī iesaka izvairīties no salīdzināšanas ar jūsu viedokli izmantošanu. Piemēram, sakot “ak, bet tu esi glītāks par x” vai “kad es biju tavs vecums, es izskatījos x”.
Tā vietā viņa iesaka maigi jautāt: “Kas liek tam ticēt?” Tā kā tas paver durvis izaicinošai nelietderīgai pārliecībai.
Konsultācijas direktorija loceklis Eni neo piekrīt. Viņa ierosināja, ka varētu būt noderīgi noskaidrot, kāpēc, viņuprāt, viņi ir neglīti, ieskaitot to, vai kāds viņiem to ir teicis.
“Uzdodot šos jautājumus, vecāki var saprast … kur viņi ieguva idejas, no kurām viņi ir neglīti,” sacīja Neo, kurš ir konsultants. Vai tas ir nācis no drauga, klasesbiedra, sociālajiem medijiem? Tālāk zondēšana var arī palīdzēt saprast, vai viņi tiek terorizēti, un jums ir jāuzstājas.
“Pašnovērtējuma veidošanai bērnam ir nepieciešams laiks un pacietība. Bet es domāju, ka šajā grūtajā periodā es ieteiktu vairāk kvalitatīva laika pavadīt kopā ar savu bērnu un zināt, kas viņu dzīvē notiek ārpus ģimenes,” sacīja Neo.
Tas ietver viņu draugu iepazīšanu un uzmanību par visām “toksiskām” draudzībām.
“Turpiniet pastiprināt savas pozitīvās iezīmes un turpināt parādīt, ka jūs rūpējaties un mīlat viņus, klausoties,” viņa ieteica. “Vissvarīgākais ir turpināt būt“ klausītājs ” – tas, ka viņi nāk pie jums, ir laba zīme, ka viņi jums uzticas un viņiem ir nepieciešams jūsu atbalsts.”
Turpmāk Mathur ieteica mēģināt veicināt mazas, sasniedzamas darbības, kas atjauno pārliecību.
Terapeits ieteica “izmēģināt kaut ko jaunu, padarīt kaut ko radošu vai palīdzēt tādā veidā, kas viņiem rada pārliecības sajūtu”.
A report by the youth and education agency Hark found that up to 10 children in every class suffer from low or no confidence. While 71% of young people feel confident at the start of secondary school (aged 11), this figure drops to 65% by the time they leave school at 16 – a period when low confidence peaks, with 35% saying they feel little or no confidence.
Mathur isn’t the only one who suggests trying something new as a confidence-building strategy. In a video shared on TikTok, Dr. Lucie Hemmen, a clinical psychologist and author of several books on parenting teenagers, said compliments “don’t really build confidence in teens.” Instead, teens need “the opportunity to engage with challenges that are a little outside their comfort zone,” she explained.
When this happens, they find that “they can handle it, that they can do hard things, they can do new things, they can do things that scare them, and they can survive it and even activate parts of themselves that they don’t know they have.”
Mental health charity Mind also recommends trying new things for a sense of achievement, which can help teenagers believe in themselves more. This could be learning to play an instrument, learning a different language, joining a sports team, volunteering or doing something creative like painting or writing.
