Baby names can be quite different – in fact, a survey revealed 75% of first-time parents have argued over what to call their little one.
And while it’s pretty normal for parents themselves to disagree on what to name their child (it’s a pretty big deal, after all), what most expect, once they’ve chosen a name, is for friends and family members to accept that’s what their child is called.
But some family members will choose to go against the parents’ wishes, and either come up with new nicknames for the child or simply use a different name. This is the case for one couple whose dilemma appeared on the About Parenting forum mumsnet :
“Our grandson (5 months) has an unusual name. It’s a made-up word that’s a bit “there”—think “starry-skye” or “foggy bridge.” Our mother-in-law is a bit of a nerd.
“Of course, it’s entirely up to the parents to choose their child’s name, but my husband won’t even say his first name because it makes him so stressed. He’ll call the baby ‘little one’ or call him by his middle name.”
“It has now become clear to the parents how he refuses to use his name and it is causing an atmosphere. I just don’t know what to say to them because I completely understand his point of view and am very sorry for the potential bullying he (the baby) may face going forward.”
*The above post has been lightly edited for length and clarity.
So what should they do?
It’s a difficult situation, especially for the person stuck in the middle, but counseling directory member Rosalind Miles suggests the best way forward is for both grandparents to try to find agreement on the grandchild’s name, despite the fact that they don’t like it.
And yes, that means calling children by their actual name.
Here are some other things they might want to try, according to the therapist:
Rethink the intentions of the name
The grandparent says their grandchild’s name is a bit “out there,” so Miles suggests rethinking why the couple chose that particular name.
“There could be a sentimental or cultural meaning that you may not be aware of. In this scenario, where it’s a mixed-up word, perhaps consider the meanings behind each part of the word,” she suggests.
Focus on the positives
It can also help to look for positive qualities in a name or find ways to appreciate its uniqueness and, if necessary, the meaning of the name.
Acknowledge your feelings, but don’t broadcast them.
It’s perfectly fine to not like the name—after all, we’re all individuals. But while it can be helpful to share your feelings here, the therapist recommends trying to keep them private.
Doing this with your child—or refusing to call your baby by their actual name—will probably only hurt. Ultimately, it could lead to grandparents not seeing their grandchild as much as they would like.
“It’s normal to have personal preferences, but it’s important to respect your parents’ choices and not let your feelings negatively affect the relationship between you,” adds Miles.
Remember: it is not your decision to make
At the end of the day, parents have the right to choose their child’s name, so Miles encourages grandparents to “respect their autonomy in this matter.”
She concludes: “An important point to consider, and the most important, is the love and support you offer your grandchild. Names are just one small aspect of a person’s identity, and over time you can come to associate a name with the individual it represents, and not just the name.”
